The Fine Art of Bullshit
by thescriptwelder
Summary: He didn’t ask to be born. He didn’t have any intention of saving the world who’s pain he knew would come. He was not a good person. He owed this world nothing. (but his sister, oh, he would do anything to save her. he owed her nothing but he’d give her the world)
1. dying

"Aw, look at him. Isn't he so cute?"

_Go fuck yourself,_ newborn Haruno Momo gurgles bitterly. _Who you callin' cute? Sure as shit ain't me._

"His name is Momo, right? After his hair?"

_Kill yourself_, Momo replies blithely.

"Yeah! He's a week old now!"

"Awh, so cute! And look at little Sakura-chan! They're adorable!"

_Ugh_, Momo eyes his older twin skeptically. _Ew. _That _thing again._

Momo would deny to the end of his days that he was in any way related to Haruno Sakura.

Once the dumb bitch who _dared_ call him cute left him alone, he contentedly closed his eyes.

In a world of magic ninja and weird shit, the only thing you can rely on is death— ah, wait, there's that one magic thingy that did shit.

Momo's cheeks puffed out minutely. Fuckin' weird shit. The one thing you can rely on is sleep.

* * *

_Learn English,_ Momo gurgles.

_Asian apricots,_ Sakura gurgles back.

_Dumb shit_, Momo says.

_Moon chicken wings in sandy tub,_ Sakura babbles.

_Jesus fuck, learn to speak_, Momo replies. He adds; _Hello._

_Penis tong_.

_No, I said HELLO._

_Banana circus!_

_Dumb bitch._

_Lava chocolate._

_Just… Shut up._

* * *

"Mama! Momo's being a poopy head!" whines three-year-old Sakura.

"Snitches get stitches, _Sakura_," Momo sniffs in response before continuing his vehement denial of Sakura's existence.

"MAMA! Make Momo play with me!"

"Momo, play with your sister!"

Momo crinkles his nose. "Bitch, no! That's like asking me to play with garbage!"

"Momo! Language!"

_Oh, go suck a dick,_ Momo thinks as he army-crawls under his bed, then pulling a pillow under to block his sight of that pink little shit.

Under the bed were a flashlight and a sketchbook where he'd either jot down relevant things he could remember from his past life or draw gruesome corpses.

"MAMA, MOMO WENT UNDER THE BED—!"

"_SNITCHES GET STITCHES_, BITCH!"

* * *

"Egg donor, don't forget the trash," Momo reminds his mother as he picks up his bag for the first day of the Academy.

"Don't call your sister trash," Mebuki chides.

"That's like not calling the devil _Satan_," he mutters.

"Who's Satan?" Sakura asks, after _finally_ choosing her outfit.

"You," replies Momo. "Are you sure you even wanna be a ninja?"

"YEAH!" replies Sakura enthusiastically. "I'm gonna be the strongest ninja ever and save the world!"

_Shit. Propaganda got to her._

Momo's eyes narrow. "It's really hard, y'know. Even if you pass the graduation test, you might get killed immediately. Who knows, maybe someone will cut your tongue out while interrogating you, or maybe you'll lose a leg or to. Ah, those Kiri nin are very vicious, ya know? Who knows, they might rip your eyes out and make you eat them."

Sakura dropped out the next day.

"Hey you! Pinky!" says a blonde brat—Ino. Ugh, of all the—

"Are you a boy or a girl?"

Momo freezes. "Bitch, what?"

Ino's face scrunches up. "HEY! Don't be rude! I was just wondering, because your hair is pink, and your name is Momo—"

"Hey, what's up with my name!?"

"Well, nothing, it's just a really cutesy name. And, you just look girly."

"I am a fucking boy. Bitch, I got fuckin' balls, and male privilege!"

There was nothing wrong with being a girl. It's just... His fragile male ego.

That small interaction started a strange rivalry.

* * *

"Excuse me, do you need help?" Inoichi asks the boy who was browsing through his flowers.

"Yeah, actually, I'm buying flowers for your daughter," Momo replies candidly.

Inoichi smiles. "Oh? What are you looking for?"

"I need some flowers that really scream go fuck yourself and die in a fire."

He leaves with a bouquet of red spider lilies, freesias, ericas, orange lilies, and some dead leaves.

It looked disgusting.

He loved it.

* * *

"_What's your name, man? Alexander Hamilton. My name is Alexander Hamilton_," Momo sings without shame.

Shikamaru stares as the kid in his class begins to chant rhythmically in gibberish.

"_And there's a million things I haven't done_—hey, you! What the shit are you staring at!?"

Shikamaru scurries away quickly.

Momo harrumphs. "Fuckin' brat, ruining my song—WHAT THE FU—!"

"I AM SO SORRY. I DID NOT MEAN TO COLLIDE WITH YOU! IN REPENTANCE I WILL DO TWENTY-FIVE LAPS AROUND KONOHA ON MY HANDS!"

Momo blinks slowly at the green spandex wearing a child with frightening eyebrows. _Lee_, his mind supplies.

"Bitch, what the fuck are you talkin' about?" Momo can't help but blurt. "That bullshit is a little fucking intense. Go bug some other asshole, this one's busy."

And he was busy planting meadowsweet, geraniums, foxgloves, and yellow carnations to go along with his spider lilies and orange lilies. He liked to call it the Fuck You garden.

"Now, now! That is very UNYOUTHFUL language!"

Oh, _fuck_, another one.

"What is this, some sort of cloning sequence? Now leave me the fuck alone, ya crackheads," Momo says in reply.

And then he's picked up by the green bitch and taken for multiple laps around Konoha and listens to lectures about YOUTH.

* * *

Shikamaru stares warily at Momo, who was napping on his desk.

Momo was cute, with chin-length pink hair and big round chocolate eyes. He has milky skin and often wore clothes that dwarfed him, which just emphasizes his small stature.

Momo's head turns to Shikamaru, eyes still sleepy. "Yes?"

Shikamaru blinks, not expecting Momo to speak without cussing anyone out. "Nothing," he replies, instead refocusing on the teacher.

* * *

"What the fuck are you doing?" Momo asks Sakura, gesturing at her fabrics and needles.

Sakura flushes, averting her eyes. "S-Sewing. I wanna start a clothes store when I'm older."

Momo blinks, before splitting his face in a grin. "Yo! That's cool! I could never sew, can't sit still long enough, y' know."

Sakura pauses at Momo's positive response. "You approve?"

Momo snorts. "Yeah, but my approval means jack shit. You do whatever the fuck you want."

Sakura nods. "Fuck yeah!"

"Language!"

"I don't wanna hear that from _you_."

* * *

Momo stares at Sasuke, who was being a little bitch.

Really, just beating the shit out of people, being an asshole with his inferiority/superiority complex. It's fucking annoying.

"Oi, ding dong! Quit being a fuckin' pussy," Momo tells him eloquently.

Sasuke glares at Momo like he's the embodiment of Satan, which...yeah.

"You're fuckin' annoying, with that pussy-ass attitude of 'oh shit I'm weak but I'm better than you'! Bitch, it's getting pretty fucking old, get a new thing! There ain't enough room in this class for another asshole, hear me?"

Sasuke just tries to punch Momo, which he deflects with ease.

Momo was proficient in taijutsu; with his personality, it was impossible not to get punched at least once a week. That, and he actually paid attention in class because he wants to be a fucking badass mofo when he's older.

Then Momo accidentally breaks Sasuke's nose.

_What the fuck? Isn't this dumbass supposed to be the best ninja brat or something?_

"Snitches get stitches," Momo informs Sasuke, before running the fuck away.

He punched a clan kid—he wasn't going to touch that punishment with a ten-foot pole.

* * *

Last week, Ino left some orange lilies and petunias on his desk.

Momo replies with some candy tufts and yellow carnations.

It somehow became habitual to communicate through flowers.

Ino says he'd look good with long hair.

Momo disagrees.

He grows it out anyway.

* * *

Mizuki's a grade-A bitch, Momo decides as he downs another bottle of sake he wrangled from a guy in the red-light district.

It marked another month.

Another month is dead.

Another scar.

He crinkles his nose at the cheap alcohol but it was something. He broke the now-empty bottle before grabbing one of the shards.

(_He hates it here, he wants to go _home _but he can't—_Sakura—_he made his choice_)

He drew a line in blood on his arm, joining the other hundred and thirty-three.

(_Another, and another, and another, how many more until he's gone?_)

Another month, another line.

(_Please, __**no more**__._)

He cuts deeper than he should

(_He doesn't want part of this twisted story_.)

The next day, he's put on a team with Naruto and Sasuke.

(_He owes this world __**nothing**_.)


	2. doomed

Momo cringes at his hangover while Naruto raves about ramen for his introduction. Bitch was fucking loud.

"Now you, pinky," Kakashi prompts once the blond loudmouth shuts up.

"Wow, 'pinky', so fucking original," Momo snips. "Haruno Momo, my likes are good

shit, my dislikes are bullshit, my hobbies are none of your fuckin' business and my dream for the future..." He pauses dramatically. "Are also none of your fuckin' business."

All he knew was that he was going to end up dying a glorious death right after he ensured Trash's safety.

He didn't give two shits about Kishimoto's plot. Dumb bitch fucked him over—(_Why does _he _have to know, why _him_, he doesn't _want _to know!_)—so Momo's returning the favour.

"My name...is Uchiha Sasuke," Sasuke begins with a nice dramatic pause. "I hate many things and I don't particularly like anything. And...I don't feel like summing up my ambition as just a dream because I _will_ make it a reality. I'm going to restore my clan, and without fail, kill a certain someone."

A brief pause.

Momo whistles. "_Damn, son_. That's intense. Real mood killer. Now I feel like my intro should've been spicier."

Naruto nods in agreement.

"Good," Kakashi says finally. "The three of you are unique and have your own ideas."

Momo snorts. "That's one way of putting it. More like, one of us has a bad rep, the other's a homicidal emo dong, and the other's a dumbass."

Naruto laughs. "Who's the dumbass?"

"Now that's just _sad_."

"We'll have a mission tomorrow," Kakashi soldiers on like the jōnin he is.

"Oh!" Naruto exclaims like a dumbass. "What kind of mission are we going to have?"

"It's a task that the four of us will do together," Kakashi replies vaguely.

"No fuckin' shit," quips Momo.

"What? What? What? Wha-"

"Shut the fuck up, Uzumaki!"

Kakashi continues bravely. "A survival exercise."

"Survival exercise?" blurts Naruto.

Momo scowls. "This call and response thing is getting old."

"This is not like your previous training," Kakashi says.

"Then what kind of exercise is it?" asks Naruto.

Then, Kakashi fucking _giggles_ like a maniac.

"O-_kay_, there goes my faith in humanity," mutters Momo, brushing some of his hair back.

"Yeah!" says Naruto. "What's so funny!?"

"Heh," Kakashi chuckles ominously. "If I tell you the answer, you're not going to like it."

"Huh?"

Kakashi shifts himself intimidatingly. "Of the twenty-seven graduates, only nine will be recognized as genin."

Momo rolls his eyes.

"The remaining eighteen will be sent back to the Academy. In other words, this exercise is an extremely difficult test, with a failure rate of sixty-six percent or higher."

"Oh fuck that," Momo snaps. "I spent six years dealing with a shit-ton of little cocksucking bitches, I ain't goin' back to that hell hole, and I swear to god if I end up becoming a civilian, I will kill everyone here and then myself!"

Naruto scooches slightly away from Momo before shouting. "That's crazy! I worked hard to get here! What was that graduation test even _for_!?"

"Oh, that," Kakashi says casually. "That was just to select those who have the potential of being genin."

"_WHAT!?_"

"That's how it is. _I_ decide whether you pass or fail."

There was a moment of silence where Naruto and Sasuke had internal freakouts.

"We done here?" says Momo.

The sun was too damn bright for him, and Naruto's mouth siren was too damn loud. He just wanted a fucking nap.

"That's it, you're dismissed," Kakashi confirms. "Oh, and… tomorrow you better skip breakfast, or else… you'll puke."

Momo was already gone.

* * *

"Momo, get up!" Sakura shrieks, pulling Momo's sheets off.

Momo just grumbles, rubbing his face. "Mmm, what time is it?"

"Five AM. You have your ninja thing, remember?" Sakura reminds him. "Now, get dressed. What are you gonna wear?"

"Clothes," Momo snarks back half-heartedly, swinging his legs over the side of his bed.

"What the hell am I going to do with you?" Sakura sighs before rummaging through his drawers.

"Bottom drawer has the ouchie traps," Momo informs her.

"No shit." Sakura snorts. "You told us, like, a billion times."

That was the drawer where Momo kept his important journals, written in braille

"Put this shit on," Sakura says bluntly, throwing a bundle of clothes at him before turning around.

Momo yawns before dressing himself.

Sakura had chosen a mesh undershirt, a black long-sleeved shirt, and a red and white haori jacket Sakura had made with lots of secret pockets, matched with dark grey pants (also Sakura-made; so many pockets!). He bandages his abdomen in lieu of a belt before putting on his tough brown fingerless gloves.

He took the liberty of asking sakura to sew his hitae-ate onto the back of his gloves. Why? Humour.

He's eager to get a chance to hit someone in the face with it. Particularly foreign nin. And maybe say something about how Konoha literally slapped them in the face.

"Thanks for the clothes, Trash. I'm decent," Momo declares.

Sakura snickers. "That's the last word I'd use to describe you."

"Go suck a dick."

"Oh, I might. Yamaguchi-kun is a very pretty boy." Sakura winks with a smirk.

"_Ew_."

"Grow up."

"No, you."

* * *

"_YOU!_ YOU STUPID COCKSUCKING _BITCH_, I WILL FUCKING RIP YOUR ARMS OFF AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH THEM. I WILL TAKE THAT STUPID MASK OF YOURS AND SHOVE IT SO DEEP DOWN YOUR THROAT YOU'LL _SHIT IT OUT_!"

Naruto stares in horror at Momo's outburst.

"You, sir, are ten hours late," Momo bitches. "Next time, you _will_ come with a motherfucking late slip, you cuck!"

Kakashi just eye-smiles, the _bitch_. "A black cat crossed my path, so I had to take the long way around."

"If you're gonna bullshit, bullshit better. You're a fucking ninja, you can do better than that stupid fuckery."

Kakashi blinks. "Well. Let's get started," he says as he puts an analogue clock on a stump. "Here we go. It's set for noon."

Momo scowls as Kakashi holds his bells.

"Your assignment is very simple-"

"Yeah, yeah, take the stupid bells from you. Who gives a fuck? There are two bells, so one of us kicks the bucket of our careers, whatever," Momo snaps. "Do it by noon or no lunch. That's why you told us not to eat. Hell, maybe we'll end up tied to one of those posts. Now let's get on with this shit."

Kakashi blinks. "...Yes. Right on all accounts.

"Yeah, whatever, just say start, you bitch."

Kakashi blinks again. "Okay. Start."

"_YEET!_" Momo screeches while Sasuke jumps away, and Naruto jumps forward. He quickly lights a match with his teeth (useless yet helpful skill no. 74) and throws a Molotov at Kakashi.

He assumes Kakashi can just sense his chakra, so he doesn't bother to hide. He just sets a bunch of random fires and places stink bombs all over the place, thinking of Hatake's sense of smell.

_Do I really want to do this? _he thinks unusually. _It seems pointless. Kakashi's strong and we pass anyways. This is hopeless_.

Momo sighs, before settling in a tree, odd fatigue settling over him. _I just want to sleep._

"Yo."

Momo blinks his cinnamon eyes, turning around. He sighs again, before throwing a kunai at him half-heartedly. "...Die, I guess."

"Maa, maa, such little effort," Hatake drawls.

Momo exhales softly. "It's a teamwork test, but it's pointless. Sasuke is an arrogant asshole who believes too much in individualism and Naruto is an independent dumbass with something to prove. Why bother when I'm doomed to fail?"

Kakashi hums. "You're perceptive, aren't you?"

"I'm civilian," Momo replies dryly. "I have to be." Momo had had to work hard to get in the slot with clan kids.

Kakashi shrugs. "Well, since you figured it out, might as well test your genjutsu."

And then Kakashi's gone and Momo feels the genjutsu layered over his person. He blinks, before spotting a very much stabbed Sakura.

Momo scrunches his face up. "Oh, hell no. Kai." A flare of chakra and the fake Sakura was gone.

* * *

_General_

_Name: Haruno Momo_

_Age: Twelve(12)_

_Gender: Male_

_Blood Type: O_

_Birthday: March 28_

_Characteristics: Haruno Momo is noted to be blunt and vulgar with a tendency to speak his mind. He does not seem to be loyal to many people. He does not respect many people. He does not seem to have any interest in making friends._

_Clan Info_

_Clan Name: Haruno_

_Symbol: A white circle_

_History: The Haruno clan is a founding civilian clan specializing in civilian law and advocacy. The Haruno clan is respected among civilians as friendly and helpful, although its influence among shinobi is abysmal._

_Kekkei Genkai: Some Haruno descendants develop an inner personality to which provides balance for their actions. For instance, if a Haruno descendant acts polite and apathetic, the personality developed will likely be disrespectful and emotional._

_Status: Functional_

_Physical Attributes_

_Haruno Momo is soft-faced and will likely grow to become visually appealing. He is small and petite, something favoured among potential targets. Honey pot missions possible if his attitude and personality were adjusted._

_Height: 140.8cm (4'71/4_"_)_

_Weight: 35.7Kg (78.7lbs)_

_Other: Haruno Momo has one-hundred thirty-three(133) scars of unknown origin locater on his arms/legs/abdomen. Miniscule tattoo of a butterfly between shoulder blades._

_[Physical examination by Hyuuga Ryouta(chūnin); March twentieth(20)]_

_Relationships_

_Parent(s): Haruno Kizashi(39), Haruno Mebuki(40) - abysmal, Haruno Momo does not show signs of care for his parents._

_Sibling(s): Haruno Sakura(12) - undetermined, Haruno Momo does not respect Haruno Sakura, however, he occasionally shows camaraderie with her._

_Friend(s): Yamanaka Ino(12) - Haruno Momo seems to have a strange rivalry with Yamanaka Ino. Otherwise, Haruno Momo shows little interest in others his age._

_Other: Haruno Momo has shown respect towards Umino Iruka(22), however, he has not shown any similar behaviour with other Academy teachers._

_Ninja Information_

_Birth Village: Konohagakure no Sato_

_Academy Graduation Age: Twelve(12)_

_Skill Level: High genin [confirmed by Umino Iruka(chūnin)]_

_Teammates: Uchiha Sasuke(12, flight risk: high), Uzumaki Naruto (12, Jinchuriki)_

_Sensei: Umino Iruka (formerly)_

_Chakra Element: Unknown_

_Statistics_

**REFERENCE**

**1 - 5: E**

**6 - 8: D**

**9 - 10: C**

**11 - 13: B**

**14 - 16: A**

**17 - 18: S**

_Field stats_

_Ninjutsu: 13 (high chakra levels, does not show interest in specialization)_

_Genjutsu: 15 (practiced chakra control, possible specialization_

_Taijutsu: 9 (small stature disadvantage)_

_Kekkei Genkai: Haruno no Futatsu no Kao*_

_Chakra Levels: 15_

_Chakra control: 17 (Specialization encouraged)_

_Passive stats_

_Intelligence: 14 _

_Wisdom: 10_

_Strength: 8_

_Agility: 15 _

_Dexterity: 13_

_Stamina: 7_

_Constitution: 7_

_Charisma: 4_

_Attractiveness: 16_

_Cooperation: 3_

_Possible Medic_

_**MODERATE FLIGHT RISK**_

_Team 7 composition: Uzumaki Naruto placed with flight risks Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Momo due to his uncanny ability to form bonds. Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke have a prominent rivalry which may encourage them to improve. Haruno Momo's defence/support skillset may balance out Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke's offence skillsets._

_Kakashi Hatake(26) may aid Uzumaki Naruto to become more levelheaded and thoughtful. Kakashi Hatake also does not have bias against Uzumaki Naruto, making him more likely to teach him fairly._

_Kakashi Hatake possesses the Sharingan (Uchiha clan dōjutsu) thus may educate Uchiha Sasuke once he unlocks the kekkei genkai._

_Kakashi Hatake may also aid in mellowing Haruno Momo's personality, as well as physical conditioning and cooperation._

Kakashi sighs at the files he received from the Hokage prior to meeting his genin.

He didn't know what to make of the shit show he was assigned.

A loud brat with a tailed beast in him, a revenge-seeking Uchiha, and a bitchy civilian-born kid.

He'd met his to-be students the day before, and was slightly concerned at the pink-haired boy's lack of tact and the faint-but-distinct smell of sake wafting from his breath.

None of the genin were at all interested in being a team. He'd expected to send them back to the Academy.

But he was surprised.

He isn't sure whether it was a pleasant surprise or not.

The civilian kid with no prior knowledge of ninja proceedings other than the things taught at the Academy was the one who figured out the test's meaning. The one who'd gotten the cooperation of _three_. Something ranked _below_ his charisma (which Kakashi saw for himself was severely lacking). _Below_ the Uchiha's.

The Uchiha was willing to work with someone at least if it benefited him.

The civilian was decidedly _not_.

And the civilians had given up so easily. Kakashi expected the boy to at least _try_. From the kid's file, he had worked _hard_ to be up to par with the clan kids. He didn't drop out or give up the whole time.

But he'd figured out the answer to Kakashi's test and _still_ gave up.

Then, the _Uchiha_ was the one who prompted to break Kakashi's rules and pass the test. The Uchiha fed Naruto _who he hates_.

Kakashi decides he likes Naruto. At least the idiot was predictable.

He was definitely concerned with Sasuke's incredibly unhealthy goal of becoming a megalomaniac and enacting revenge on his brother, but he'd figure something out eventually.


	3. sinking

About five years until it'd all be over. Five years, and his disappearance wouldn't matter.

Five years.

_God_, Momo buries his hands in his hair, _that's so fucking long. That's too long._ He bites his lip as he continues to stare intensely at the kunai laying innocently before him.

His arms ache.

_You have to wait a month_, he reminds himself. _One month, then another. Easy. Look at how many months you've made through. One more month is nothing._

He removes his hands from his hair.

_Sixty-seven months and you'll be gone. You've made a hundred and thirty-four, you can make the rest_.

**Only fifty-nine months until the next world war is declared.**

_Only sixty-nine months until the next world war ends._

**Are you going to kill us in that war?**

_I-_

Someone knocks on his window, and he scowls before shoving the kunai behind his bed.

_Thank god for his hate of sunlight_, he can't help but think as he shoves open his curtains. It's Kakashi.

Momo's standing in just a pair of boxers and an oversized t-shirt with a pair of cutesy peaches printed on it, his scars on display, but he can't bring himself to care.

When in doubt, just blame some randos you probably pissed off, right?

(He knows that excuse is flimsy at best, but he didn't pass his psych evals just to be outed as unstable. He was _great_ at bullshit.)

(_The village didn't care, anyway. They wanted semi-capable cannon fodder and Momo fit the bill_.)

(_Momo doesn't think about the sad look on the Hokage's face when he was confronted._)

(_Momo doesn't think about the fact that if the council cared about a no-name civilian, he would've been pulled out of the Academy._)

(_Momo thinks about Sakura._)

Momo unlocks his window and pulls it open with a scowl. "Hatake, what the hell?"

The sun's setting in the distance and it's slowly becoming chilly out. Momo shivers slightly at the cool breeze.

Hatake just pulls that bullshit eye smile. "May I come in?" Hatake asks as he climbs through the window without hearing Momo's response.

"Yeah, sure, go ahead and make yourself at home," he replies sarcastically. "What brings you to your poor, decidedly _underaged_ student's bedroom?"

Kakashi eyes up Momo's cutesy room with interest. The walls are painted a creamy colour and the carpet peach. There are cute plushies placed randomly around the room, and it's all relatively clean except for a corner piled with laundry.

Kakashi's relatively surprised. His parents had insisted he not enter the room due to the fact that Momo was apparently constantly warning them of traps.

"I tried the door, but nobody answered," says Kakashi.

"Yeah, Sakura's at her apprenticeship and my parents are...somewhere, probably," mutters Momo, plopping himself onto his bed. "What do you want?"

"Mind telling me why you smelt like alcohol the other day?"

Momo scoffs. "_Right_. I'm not anywhere near old enough to be let into a bar without someone snitching, so..."

"Momo." Kakashi stares him down. "Genin aren't allowed to drink alcohol until they're officially registered as genin. You were only registered today."

"Like you care," Momo responds dryly, pulling a large panda plushy to his chest and curling into his pillow.

"I do."

Momo snorts. "I'm sure."

"Momo. From what I can tell, you're at risk," Kakashi says.

"I passed my psych evals. Kids get curious, y'know. Ain't new."

"And your scars?"

"What can I say, I'm a klutz," Momo says curling into a corner. "I'm sure you have scars too. Lotsa people do."

Anxiety lights up in his chest like a beacon. He fights to remain stoic, _Shit, I thought this was gone_.

"Momo."

"That's my name," replies Momo. "You don't know me, Hatake, and I don't know you. So get yourself and your weird nose away from me."

"_Momo_."

"Hippity hoppity, get off my property, _demon!_"

* * *

D-rank after D-rank.

Family dinner after family dinner.

Two months of mundane suffering.

(_One hundred thirty-six-_)

_At least I'm occupied,_ Momo tries to think. _Oh, who am I kidding. This whole "silver lining" thing is bullshit._

Then, _finally_, something gives.

Or rather, Naruto gives.

"I think Naruto is ready for a C-rank," the Hokage says (or something along these lines).

Naruto gets his hopes up, rambling about princesses and nobles. Momo snorts, _Yeah, right. All you're getting is an alcoholic liar._

"—the snot-nosed brat and that tiny little girl." Momo's eyes narrow as he catches the end of Tazuna's drunken criticism.

"First of all, _bitch_—"

"I'LL DEMOLISH YOU—!"

"Now, now," Kakashi interjects, clutching Naruto and Momo by their scruff like misbehaving kittens. "I'm afraid that you can't demolish our client."

Momo glowers, but is slightly sedated by the fact that the plot is actually _moving_. Fucking finally.

He's waited twelve years for this shit.

* * *

Momo's parents go overboard, Kizashi exclaiming about how his "baby boy" is growing up. Mebuki cuffs him.

Sakura sews him a new armband with hidden weapon compartments within, and goes overboard checking over his supplies.

Civilian pace is _slow_. He feels like a turtle slowly creeping across the road with a possibility of getting run over.

Then, finally, the puddle.

Which, yeah, pretty obvious. It was pretty fucking warm in the Land of Fire. Snow was rare, and rain didn't happen much during this time of year.

Especially if plot-convenient.

And the bulky mist-nin just appear out of the puddle (pretty surreal, if Momo was being honest) and it's fight or die.

Momo takes position over the bridge builder, while Sasuke takes down one of them, and Naruto—predictably—froze up.

Not that Momo could honestly blame him, if Momo didn't thrive on adrenaline and dysfunction, he'd likely do the same thing.

The shadow of death comes quickly, and Naruto froze in the face of it.

"Sasuke, good job subduing the enemy. Momo, good job remembering to protect the bridge builder. Naruto, I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd freeze up like that."

And Momo internally cringes, because that sounds _so_ backhanded.

Naruto, as canon, is poisoned then flips out.

Naruto, also as canon, stabs himself.

_Been there_, Momo thinks morbidly.

Also, _dumb Naruto_. That's not an efficient way of getting the poison out.

"Naruto, as cool as that was, it wasn't cool, it was hella dumb. _Hello_, blood loss!" Momo quips amusedly.

"Good idea to stop the bleeding now," hums Kakashi.

Momo frowns as Kakashi stares at the wound for longer than necessary after bandaging it.

_The fox realization._

**Dun dun dunn… **

* * *

Thick fog. _I hate it,_ thinks Momo, as a large bridge comes into view.

"Woah! IT'S HUGE!" Naruto shouts.

_Dumbass._

"The men who are after you," Kakashi says to Tazuna. "If you don't tell us why, I'm afraid I'll have to end the mission at shore."

"I suppose I have to tell you," murmurs Tazuna. "No, I want to tell you. The one who is after me is a very short man who casts a very long and deadly shadow."

_Dramatic, much?_

"Is it the shipping magnate?" Momo prompts him. _I can't take anymore of the cringe-worthy uses of melodramatic literary devices._

Tazuna nods mutely. "Yes. Gatō of Gatō Transport."

Kakashi narrows his eyes at Momo. "How'd you know that?"

"I like being informed. My kaa-san's a business woman. She mentioned that since Gatō came into the picture, dealings with Waves have disappeared completely. I can read between the lines," Momo half-lies.

"Yes. Gatō uses gangs and ninja to sell contraband and drugs, cutting down those who stand in his way."

"Let me guess, the reason you lied is 'cause you guys can't afford a higher ranking mission?"

"Yes. In the Land of Waves, even our nobles are poor. The common people who are building the bridge can't afford an A or B-ranked mission."

Sasuke glances at Momo in interest. "That means those guys we fought in the forest were working for him."

Then, Tazuna begins the guilt trip and Momo zones out.

* * *

"Naruto, quit being a dumbass," growls Momo.

The stupid bitch was high strung and jumpy, throwing kunai everywhere. Didn't the idiot realize that it wasn't a fucking game? It wasn't a competition?

It was fucking _life_ or _death_, and Naruto's naivety was pissing Momo off.

("_Sully, ETA on backup?"_

"_At least five minutes, Sarge!"_

"_Shit," hisses Matthers, ducking behind his police car as more stray fire comes his way. "We don't know how long Diaz has," he adds, eyeing the roof the uniformed officer was taken hostage upon._

_Diaz was killed and one of the perps got away._)

Then, it was the bunny.

Also obvious. You learn all about animal cycles and evolution in the modern world. In this one, you learn signs of fake ones.

Everything was obvious, down to the bridge builder's lies.

(_You don't show up to a meeting with the head of a shinobi village obviously drunk unless you're either a drunkard or have something to hide._

_Tazuna hasn't made a move towards alcohol since the meeting. No signs of withdrawal. Not an alcoholic, just wants us to think he is; covering up nerves. Wants to be sober so he can run from danger._

_You don't make such a big deal of your protection being young unless you actually think you'll need protection._

_Tazuna's old and in the right career to have hired shinobi before._

_You don't live that long without learning that twelve-year-old shinobi are capable of _many _things_.)

Momo can read between the lines.

"Everyone down!" shouts Kakashi, and Momo lets himself flop to the ground gracelessly.

Momo is not a part of the story. He just needs to play Sakura's part and stick along for the ride.

_He's gathering funds for the rebellion in Kiri_, Momo thinks numbly. _He should've stayed away._

**Vive la revolution.**

"Momochi Zabuza, rogue nin from the Kirigakure no Sato," Kakashi states.

Then Momo sees Naruto winding up to run at Zabuza. _Dumbass_.

**You swore an oath.**

_You swore an oath to protect the innocent._

Momo grabs Naruto's collar, pulling him back roughly. Momo blinks. _Why did I do that?_

Kakashi reveals his eye, and Momo watches Sasuke's reactions carefully. The jōnin snaps out orders quickly.

Sharingan explanation for the dumbass.

Zabuza's monologue.

Then the mist comes in.

**Oooo, the drama's coming**~

_Dammit, Inner. Not the time._

**You know you're bored!**

_I am, but I can't really entertain you right now. Where have you been?_

**Oh, here and there. You are **_**really**_ **fucked in the head.**

_No, really?_

**Shush. I have something I want to show you.**

_Not the time._

**Later, then. Sasuke's going to do something stupid.**

_Kakashi will take care of it_.

"—I will not allow my comrades to die!"

_See?_

"I wouldn't be so sure," Zabuza replies.

And then clone confusion ensues.

**Hey, hey! Can we switch?**

_You know that tou-san said that's dangerous._

**So? You don't want to be here right now.**

_No. I don't want to be anywhere, ever._

**Switch? Pretty please~?**

_Not in the battlefield._

**Come **_**on**_**, Jeremie!**

_That's not my name anymore._

Momo just watches as Zabuza kicks Naruto in the face, while Kakashi yells at them.

"—If you get away from him, he can't follow! Now run."

**You swore an oath to protect the innocent.**

Momo stays planted in front of Tazuna. _They'll live._

**This isn't a story anymore.**

_No, it is a story. We're just watching it unfold._

**We're part of the narrative.**

_We're background characters._

Naruto charges forward like an idiot.

_**You swore an oath.**_

Unwillingly, Momo juts out pulling Naruto back by his collar and throwing him behind him.

**He was going for the headband.**

Momo dives forward, grasping Naruto's hitae-ate, Zabuza boots him back to Naruto's feet.

"Hey! Why'd you stop m—!?"

"Your hitae-ate," Momo grits out before Naruto can finish. "So hold the diss."

**I'm proud of you**.

_You took control of my body, didn't you._

**Yep. And it's **_**our**_ **body.**

_Bitch._

**I'm taking over now.**

And then Momo nearly doubles over in pain as a horrible migraine racks his brain, the world's sound becoming distant and surreal.

_YOU BITCH_, snarls Momo.

Momo vaguely notices Kakashi's brief concerned glance in his direction and Naruto and Sasuke's confused looks.

Momo scowls before shoving Inner's consciousness away from reality. _If you want me to do something…_ "Yo, fuckface, back off!"

Zabuza snorts. "Genin like you should be seen, not heard."

Momo's chocolate eyes stare irrately. "_Step the fuck up, Karen_**,**" Momo hisses in english , before he shushin's behind Zabuza, discreetly signing at Naruto and Sasuke to figure out a plan. "_Here's Johnny!_"

"Momo! What are you doing!" Kakashi shouts from his water prison.

Adrenaline rushes through Momo as he dodges a kick from real Zabuza.

"I can fight any genin one handed," states Zabuza.

"Not those ones_._" _Kill yourself,_ Momo hisses to Inner as he allows a kick from Zabuza to hit him as Naruto and Sasuke come up, their plan thought through.

**That's your thing, Jer.**

And then he blacks out.


	4. static

**A/N:**_ i just wanted to let you guys know that this is all just rough ideas rather than an actual project, so i might end up dropping this halfway through and there will almost definitely be some inconsistency in this story_

_tl;dr: dont get too attached_

* * *

Momo wakes up to Kakashi's annoying face.

_Dammit, Inner. This is your fault._. His legs and head feel fuzzy.

"Motherfucker, get outta m' face," slurs Momo, Momo, wincing at the light and the rush of nausea as he sits up. "Wh' happened? 'Sides m' head bein' wackered."

Kakashi's eyes narrow. "You have a mild concussion."

_Compartmentalize the pain, please?_

**Yessir!**

And the pain goes away, though his brain doesn't seem to want to function properly, he can now notice Sasuke and Naruto standing by.

"Sorry 'bout that," Momo mutters, setting himself straight. "How long?"

"Eighteen hours."

"That can't be healthy."

**It's not.**

* * *

**I want to show you something.**

* * *

**YES! YOU DID IT!** Inner squeals happily, blue eyes twinkling rapidly.

_...Inner?_ Momo asks tentatively.

The teen that stood before Momo was relatively short, with tan skin and bright blue eyes. His hair was bright pink, swept to the side beneath a black beanie. He had a multitude of facial piercings, and dressed in a purple button up shirt, a black scarf, and some bands around his wrists.

**Yep. I made an Inner World! Check it out! It's sorta like Sherlock's Mind Palace—don't give me that look, I know you watched the show, Jeremie.**

_I'm not Jeremie._

**Have you looked at yourself**? Inner asks skeptically.

Momo blinks.

Inner sighs, a mirror suddenly in his hands.

Momo blinks again.

In the mirror is a man with dark blue hair (dyed on a bet), and bronze skin. He wore red flannel and square framed glasses.

Cinnamon eyes.

It was Jeremie. From Before.

The teen—Inner—wasn't short. Momo was just standing at his height from Before.

_Well shit._

Inner snorts. **Yeah. Well, anyway, can I have a name? I feel like I'm a bit more evolved than just some sort of Jiminy Cricket, ya know?**

_Sure, whatever._

**OKAY! Uh. Wait.**

_What?_

**What should my name be?**

_I dunno, Toru? That's a common name here._

**Nah. How about… Wait, you're Momo. Your sister's Sakura. All after your hair…**

_No…_

**I'm gonna be Zakuro!**

_...Dragon fruit?_

**They're pink!**

Momo sighs, surveying the Inner World. It took the form of a large, beautiful library. Zakuro was leaning against the front desk, behind which was a large, large monitor and a couch, for some reason.

**I organized it myself**, Zakuro states proudly.** That aisle over there is all the relevant Naruto information and memories. You can locate memories at the front desk—that's where I usually am. The rest are labeled based on emotions.**

_Huh. Well, I'm leaving now._

**What!? Why?!**

_Well, there's no reason to be here, so._

**But I'm here!**

_We can communicate just fine outside. See ya._

_**Aww…**_

* * *

Zakuro went silent, thankfully. He was draining to worry about.

Momo sighs, burying himself deeper in his sheets.

"Get up," Kakashi sighs.

"I already have tree-walking and water-walking mastered, Hatake-sensei," Momo replies.

**You're going to drown in your depressive lethargy if you don't get up.**

_That's the idea._

"That doesn't mean you don't need to train."

"What would you have me do?" groans Momo.

Hatake smiles before a large plethora of theoretical scrolls appears in front of him. "You can study genjutsu!"

* * *

**It's the thirtieth**, Zakuro reminds Momo.

_So?_

_**So**_, Zakuro sighs, **today's the day Haku and Zabuza attack.**

_How do you know?_

**Because you used to write fanfiction, and you read a whole website about the timeline. The Inner World lets you remember everything you ever knew, it's a valuable resource! I was going to get you to do research when you were in, but instead _I_ had to do it.**

_Isn't that better, since I'll be handling the physical stuff and you can organize the mental stuff?_

**Yeah, _but_ I don't wanna.**

_Well, suck it._

* * *

_That is a bad, bad idea._

**You swore an oath.**

_You don't know anything. They'll be fine, we just have to stay here and protect the bridge builder._

**_NO_! Dammit, they could _die_.**

_But they won't._

**Oh my god, you swore a _fucking_ oath.**

_They'll live._

**Help them.**

_No._

_**Help them!**_

_I said NO! Look, I get that you have little _feelings_, but they'll live. There's no reason to get involved. We protect the bridge builder._

Momo sighs.

* * *

It goes exactly as scripted.

Zakuro is livid.

He refuses to speak to Momo.

* * *

The Great Naruto Bridge finished on April 6th.

Momo can't bring himself to care, other than to feel relieved that one arc is over.

_Chūnin exams are next. When are they?_

**…**

_You've _got_ to be kidding me._


End file.
